This post will be disorganized. I have a lot to say but my brain doesn't really have it any particular order. My apologies in advance!
Radiation is done. Five days a week for 6 weeks. And though, as is typical for me, I enjoyed celebrating that last treatment with Jenna and the other therapists that had taken care of me for 6 weeks, that celebration came after the tears.
I had actually miscounted. I thought I had one more treatment than the one I taped. When Jenna told me it was my last, I made her double check. It was too good to be true. And she was right. And I cried the tears that have met me at each milestone. The tears almost come with disbelief...."did I really make it through this?". The tears were the same ones that met me at the last infusion of each of my two rounds of chemo. And I rang the beast of a bell that hangs in the Radiation Oncology clinic for those who finish out their treatment plan.
It's been a few days since that last treatment and my burns continue to worsen as they warned me they would. But most of the bad ones are now on the parts of my chest that I can't feel.
Dr. Melissa Mitchell, my Radiation Oncologist and the team of Radiation Therapists who cared for me, answered my MANY questions, and dried the occasional tear.....are the best, most kind, proficient, compassionate group of people I've ever come across. They fall in line with EVERY single professional I have encountered at each appointment and treatment since my diagnosis.
On that note:
One of the most important things I do as a leader is hire well. If my bottom line is what is best for my students and families, I have to make the best possible decisions when it comes to interviewing and recommending teacher candidates for hire. Those staff members are the daily faces and smiles and hugs to our kids. THEY are the key players.
The leadership of KU Hospitals and clinics GETS IT RIGHT!!! CONSISTENTLY!
Isn't it funny how most don't hesitate to let businesses and individuals know when they get it wrong, but so rarely praise and thank them when they get it right.
KU,
Our 12 month relationship has been rocky because Cancer Sucks. As we continue this relationship, sure to span the whole of my life, I promise to let you and anyone else who will listen know just how well you do the work you do. I am amazed, so appreciative and truly blessed by you and can never sufficiently thank you for saving my life; the life of my boys' mom.
I've also attended my " End of Treatment" appointment with my Medical Oncologist.
Material covered:
-how to eat, drink, exercise, sleep to decrease my chances of recurrence.
-how to manage all the remaining meds
-when to call with 'weird' pains, lumps or bumps
Etc. Etc.
I still have monthly Zolodex injections to keep my ovaries shut down. These will occur indefinitely until I have surgery to remove them (my ovaries).
I will have Herceptin (blocks those HER-2 receptors that make Cancer cells mutate and replicate rapidly, 24/7) treatments for at least a year, possibly longer.
I will take meds to keep my adrenal glands and fats stores from converting stuff to estrogen forever.
Because when you go from having LOTS of estrogen in your body to NO estrogen, all you want to do is cry all day everyday, SO I take meds to help me feel like I don't want to cry at the drop of a hat because my hormones are so wonky.
I will always take medicine, have treatments and go to doctors to keep the cancer away. And that's ok.
Surgeries are next. More on those later.
After going through this, and making it to this point, I have learned that there are MANY things that "they" don't tell you.
I imagine this is likely because these things don't happen to everyone. ..so why bring it up right?
Things they don't tell you:
There is an actual pain (minor, nothing to be afraid of) felt as your hair dies. It's a nerve type pain, comes in waves, and is followed by massive hair loss (for me it was almost immediate, huge hand fulls of hair, the following day).
Chemo also makes your fingernails and toenails fall off. (Yeah, I know. Gross)
I have an amazing nail tech that has managed to salvage the look of my hands.... and thankfully by the time my toenails died, it was boot season. (Thank God!)
Chemo is different for everyone. My skin hurt. My gums bled. It hurt to eat, sleep, drink, walk, talk, sit. And even now, MONTHS after my last infusion, I still experience some of the side effects. But they are better each day.
Radiation is a cake walk compared to chemo but you will burn, blister and your skin will peel. It's likely the skin treated will never be the same. But it's a livable, manageable thing no matter how you look at it.
Everyone who knows you have Cancer will expect you to be miserable all the time. In a way, I appreciated this. Because on the bad days, I knew the people around me would give me the grace to be less than what is typical for me.
They DO tell you to create and lean on a support system. "Cancer sucks. But it's a lot harder to go through it alone".
They DON'T ask you if have a spiritual foundation, if you have a belief in a higher power, etc.
I am not married. I wasn't at the time of my diagnosis. I am not married now. I am a single, working mother and Breast Cancer Survivor. As much as I understand how the right husband/wife/partner might have lightened the heavy loads which were a natural part of this journey, I didn't make it through this because of those around me. I made it through this because of my God and those around me who allowed themselves to be used by God to minister to me and my family.
I pray that if NOTHING else comes of this battle, those who know me have received the message that REALLY ANYTHING; ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING is possible through Christ who strengthens us (Phil 4:13) and that ALL things (even Cancer) work together for good for those who love the Lord and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28)
Yes. I HATE CANCER. But because I love a good, merciful, loving God He has enabled me to smile through it. And....
The best way to keep people guessing....like shocked.....awed. ... is to walk into and out of your treatments with a smile. Tell a joke. Laugh as much as you can; at yourself, the situation; your bald head; your butchered and burned (but LIVING) body, etc. BECAUSE CANCER SUCKS....everyone expects you to be sad, angry, sick, tired, and just plain miserable. If you choose to smile through chemo, laugh through radiation, I promise you, there will be others, whose default is sadness and tears because they are dealing with the devil, who will smile with you. I promise you. And to know that someone smiled who might otherwise not have that day because Cancer is sucking the joy from their life, is a really really good feeling.
The people you choose to surround yourself with will make or break you as you fight this battle. I have an amazing sister, a remarkable church family, fantastic friends and a school family that is unmatched: all of whom have shown me nothing but support, smiles and hugs from the start of this journey to now.
You don't have to end relationships. But to be and stay healthy emotionally AND physically, it may be necessary to choose wisely who you spend your time with. Those who need or take from you....give yourself permission to put some space between you while you get well...for your own health.
They DO tell you it's ok to be selfish and take care of yourself while getting well. This was VERY hard for me. Before the battles started I saw no reason that I would need to be selfish, or take advantage of others. But the meals brought to my house, the boys being cared for by others who loved them so I could sleep, the gift cards to restaurants so I didn't have to cook on the bad days.......
Saved me. In so many indescribable ways.
And lastly, no one warned me or even hinted at the idea that as I fought for my own life, my capacity to love others, the space in my heart for people would grow beyond what I ever thought possible. I still have my dark moments. But I have so much love in my life. I have fallen in love with life and what is possible when it is lived to its fullest.
So would I go through this again? To meet this end? This end at which I feel more love, compassion and connection with the lives around me?
Yes.
I would.
I can't believe I just wrote those words. But they. Are. True.
Until next time....
