Life after Cancer can be a busy one. I suspect it is very different for each survivor. For me it has involved getting into a routine that includes all of the treatments and blood work that will be a part of life for years but it's also involved the exciting yet somewhat scary process of replacing what Cancer took from me.
The hair is growing back! It's short and SO MUCH SHORTER than I would ever wish my hair to be... BUT it IS THERE and for that, I am certainly grateful!
But my body was forever changed in the process of taking measures that would save my life.
Have I mentioned how much I LOVE my plastic surgeon these days?? She was amazing when she shared my mastectomy surgery with Dr. Wagner by saving my skin, minimizing scars and positioning me to the greatest extent possible for the reconstructive process. But these days.... as we begin to move through reconstruction... she's my FAVORITE!! I joke and say I feel a bit like Frankenstein these days... but the before and after pics of her work have made me a believer and I know that my hopes for a whole, post Cancer body are in good hands with her.
Dr. Julie Holding, my friends, is amazing.
Before moving on: if you are a reader of this blog, and are dealing with Cancer or know someone who is, please know that there is still much I don't share in this setting. There are celebrations and pain, joy and sadness, and a ton of pictures and video that are simply not appropriate for me to share here. But to be clear, I have no secrets. If someone out there could gain a friend, a sympathetic ear, a sounding board, some advice or just some questions answered by emailing me, sending me a DM on Twitter or messaging me on FB, etc. PLEASE DO or tell your friend to! I have shared all of this because I am compelled to. God wastes NOTHING and no tear I've shed, the pain, the setbacks, none of it will be for nothing... as long as I allow Him to use it how He sees fit. If I help, support, love on one person who finds this blog useful, then I have done what I'm supposed to.
My body has seen many changes as I've stated above. But my brain has been impacted as well. I HATE to even type those words as I've depended on myself, my "with-it-ness", my problem solving skills, my word-smithing, etc., to protect and provide for my family for... ever. In many ways I feel even more like myself than I was before my diagnosis; more connected with my Creator, more comfortable in my skin, more secure in my priorities, etc. But there are certainly things about me that are not the same, and according to the research I've done, may not be for years.... or may never be.
Cancer and chemo: short and long term effects on the brain
It seems only as I emerge out of the very distinct "fog" that came with chemo am I realizing that there are lingering effects on my memory, focus and concentration. They are things that others may not even notice, but they are stark and at times, alarming to me. Anyone who knows me knows: I have RARELY been at a loss for words, I can find a way to put language to almost anything at anytime. I love language and words. I love the way words can make a moment that seems indescribable come alive and thus able to be shared with those who didn't get to experience it. But there have been times in recent days, when I have legitimately struggled to find the word I want to use in a particular sentence. And each time, as that conversation comes to a close and the person I'm speaking with leaves the room, I am left feeling a sense of loss. It's difficult to describe, but it's like I've lost a part of me, and I'd be lying if I said it hasn't shaken my confidence a bit.
I don't feel like I can't do my job. I don't feel like I can't parent my children or navigate relationships. But I'm just not the same me. And I don't know if I ever will be.
I could be ashamed. Embarrassed. Try to cover up and hide this new wrinkle in my life. But I refuse to be ashamed. I refuse to be embarrassed. And I will never hide the battles I fight with this disease and it's lingering effects. Because the second I decide to do that, is the second that someone else withdraws from conversations, doesn't go to the party, becomes someone they're not because of these small but significant, potentially life altering effects of a fight for her life. And I will not do that. Not to myself and not to her. This is simply another battle and I will pick up my sword and shield and fight.
Until next time.....
