Where to go from here......

SOOOOO.... I will do my best to explain what I found out today. I will also finally be able to share a picture of my gorgeous surgeon, Jamie Wagner (see below), who held my hands and did nothing to rush me through the weight and the tears that came as she provided some long awaited information.

The past several days have been a bit of a blur as pain, pain meds and the busy-ness of taking care of myself post surgery have kept me engaged and distracted (for the most part, in a good way). It wasn't a terrible thing to have other things to think about besides the fact that we'd found Cancer cells in my lymph nodes on Tuesday.

My incisions are healing well. Aside from an annoying rash on my chest and arms from the skin prep they use during surgery, and that should fade quickly, all is moving in the right direction. I am hopeful that at least 2 of the drains I have in place will be removed Wednesday. 

Drains (see above): Since I never thought to explain these before now, this is how I understand them. When tissue from your body is removed, your body's natural response is to fill that empty space with fluid. The fluid, if it can't escape can cause lots of problems so the drains are placed temporarily in the wound draining to the outside. They are emptied periodically (by me) and the output monitored closely. When the output dwindles to the amount deemed acceptable by those smarter than me, the drains are removed. Drains are used in many types of surgeries (ex. Organs, limbs, head and neck, etc). 

When I spoke with Dr. Wagner the day after surgery, neither of us were pleased at the presence of cancer cells in any part of my lymph nodes. We discussed scary and not so scary possibilities but she encouraged me to wait for the full pathology report before worrying too much. 

Today, I learned that that the full pathology report indicates that 10% of the cancer cells that started inside my breast tissue remained at the time of surgery. Good news: Dr. Wagner expected more than that. 

The size of the largest metastatic area in my lymph node was 40 mm. AND there was evidence of treatment response meaning that the chemo was trying to kill it....and it was working. GOOD News!

Out of 18 lymph nodes removed: only the 1 had cancer cells in it. GREAT news!

Where to go from here?? 

Dr. Wagner is taking all of my information to this "meeting of the minds" redarding all things Cancer this week. Based on that meeting and then MY meeting with Dr. Mitchell (also KU) a radiation oncologist and the advice of my medical oncologist (Dr. Khan), we will decide what radiation could do for me. If it is likely to reduce my chance of recurrence by 15-20% or more, Dr. Wagner would suggest that it would be worth moving forward with radiation therapy. Anything less than that in terms of reducing my risk, it would really be up to me. 

Is it bad that I don't want it to be up to me? Is it bad that there are times when I just want someone smarter than me to tell me what to do? I don't feel that way often....but I do now. 

I couldn't be more thrilled with my results!! I am truly excited at the prospect of radiation NOT be recommended! God is an amazing, loving, powerful God.  He loves me and has gone before me in all of this! And He knows....how very tired I am....and that my brain just hurts. 

Please celebrate these amazing results with me and if you would, continue to pray that God makes the decisions ahead "easy" to make. 

Until next time......

Post surgery. Random Thoughts.

I love this image. 

On the days when I really actually FEEL fierce; a force to be reckoned with; a "Cancer has no shot at winning with me" me.. ..this picture sits in agreement. It's  a visual representation of how I feel. 

Then on the days when I don't feel tough; I'm tired of fighting and crying; I am done being strong on the outside when my flesh just wants to fall apart; on those days, I find this picture inspiring. I look at it and want to live up to the strength and resolve I see. I want it to represent me.....and it helps me drag myself from the bottomless holes of self pity I find myself in at times. 

And this one. 

In the face of this experience; this "thing" with so many facets and extensions that all bring new and unwelcome information to consider...there are times when I'm not afraid. I don't know why those moments are different than others, but they do happen. I prefer those times (obviously) to those during which I am in a desperate fight for my life. It's not even Cancer I'm fighting in those moments, it's fear. But in those moments,  the image above is one that I have found a helpful reminder. Fear is real. It's legitimate and shouldn't be dismissed in anyone or by anyone. Yet we all have parts of our lives that light us up, motivate us, and move us forward..... and if we make the effort to see past the fear....even for just a moment, those parts of our lives; our faith,  our family, our friends, will keep us from staying stuck in that fear. Thank you, Jesus. I may feel fear at times, but you created me to be: 

Fearless

2 Tim 1:7

See above, my adorable, 4 inch heel wearing, rock star plastic surgeon, Dr. Julie Holding. She rocks a nose ring and Board Certification.  She can be quiet, and will let me cry if I need to. But mostly she just comes in with a smile and then gets down to business. I know that she would let me be "the boss" .... but I also know that if I let her do what she does best,  I won't be disappointed in the outcome. I like her. A lot. 

August 23, 2016 

I checked in to KU for a bilateral,  skin sparing mastectomy, sentinel node biopsy with possible axillary dissection and tissue expander placement. Dr. Wagner performed the mastectomy and node biopsy. Dr. Holding took over from there and handled the rest. 

In layman's terms: my surgery involved the removal of all of my natural breast tissue, the biopsy of the lymph nodes which drained the cancerous component of that tissue. They performed this biopsy right then; in the operating room. Somehow, they performed a preliminary test that indicated the presence or absence of cancer within them. If the nodes tested positive for the presence of Cancer, then ALL lymph nodes that are found in the axillary (arm pit) region are removed. Lymphedma (I'll share about this later) becomes a much greater risk with the removal of all vs just a few lymph nodes. 

When they found Cancer in my lymph nodes, I was truly shocked. No one expected it. Radiologist, Oncologist, etc. So...it was a pretty big bummer. 

The conversations have already changed now. Discussions revolving around hysterectomies are new. They don't bother me other than the fact that it's another surgery.  Considering the possibility that breast cancer has now spread to other parts of my body. Praying against it....but preparing for anything. I have considered the idea of more chemo. Radiation. More surgeries. And right now, though all of those possibilities sound awful.....I'm not scared. Not today. Disappointed. A little discouraged. But not afraid.  What I know is that I will do whatever it takes to be around for my boys. Truly. Whatever it takes. But I would love to be able to return to work and serve the staff and families I have been blessed to serve up to now. I would love to be able to say those two coveted words ("CANCER FREE"!!!) sooner vs later. 

For all of that to happen,  I continue to covet your prayers. So many of you have asked what you can do, how you can help. In truth, your prayers are so valuable! Pray for the doctors treating me. Pray for children who are enduring what no child should ever have to. And selfishly, I ask you to pray for me. God's will will be done......but His word is clear that "the prayers of the righteous are effective and produce great results! " (James 5:16)

And if you are a believer....YOU ARE RIGHTEOUS! Because He sees you through the blood of His son who died to save you. You are God's righteousness! Your prayers move the things of Heaven. And even if you don't pray for us, pray for your children, your family! Bombard Heaven with the needs of those around you. I am telling you..... miracles are possible! 

Until next time.....

Where 2 or 3 are gathered....

I feel like I'm mature enough in my faith to walk into my church service knowing that regardless of my circumstances, He is always worthy of my time and worship; that at minimum, I should come to offer Him that much. But there are days when I come with little to offer and in a state of desperation....days when my soul cries out from the time I walk in the door for God to please meet the need in my heart or circumstance. I need you, Jesus. Please help me. 

Today, I came with a need. I needed the fear; the fear that was paralyzing me, to go away. I knew walking in that it was possible as all things are when I ask and trust Him. 

I couldn't wait to make my way to the alter today. He HAD to meet me there. He just had to. 

I walked up and took the hands of one of the members of the prayer team and before I could even share my need, I was surrounded by women of faith. Not just any women. These are women who model a faith I aspire to. Fierce women. Fierce in a good way. And they were praying for us. My boys and I were the focus of the prayers of the righteous. Intense. Amazing. Prayer. 

Initially,  I was sobbing.  Desperate for the peace that I typically know in Him. Desperate for the fear to subside. 

And all I can say is that as these women stood in the gap; interceded on my behalf; spoke the promises of God over me and my children....I could breathe. The tears continued to fall but became tears of relief instead of pain. 

"Where two or three are gathered, there I am among them", He promised. 

He kept His promise today as He always does. He was in every word spoken and every tear that fell. And the enemy of my soul, the one who would've loved to see me suffocated by the "what ifs" going through my head, was put back into his place today. 

 I can't say that I am looking forward to Tuesday, but today I have returned to the familiar place where I know God is in control; where the fear is subject to the truth. 

I am proof today, once again, that prayer works. And the boys and I have been the subject of prayers from so many through this. If you are reading this and have offered prayer on our behalf, please know, there are no words to express my gratitude.

Until next time....  

FEAR

"Those who fear the darkness have no idea what the light can do".

I don't know who said/wrote it. I just found it somewhere online. But it speaks to me now. I truly believe I am a lover of the light. But I have more and more moments of incapacitating fear lately that it is all I can do to breathe under the weight of it. I am not afraid of dying. I know that My King will take me immediately to a paradise indescribable or even comprehensible should that happen.
 I fear the darkness for my children should I be taken from here so soon. I fear the depth of grief they would feel losing their Mom at such young ages. Who will whisper to them in the pain they perceive to be so great after a fall....and immediately feel their breathing slow and their bodies relax?

"How come I just feel so much more calm when you're around?" he says...... "Because I'm your Mom and that's my superpower".

Who?? Who will see the fear in them and have the power only moms have to ease it??
I do my best to reflect their own light back to them, reflect the light of their Savior into their lives every chance I get. I know there are those who love my boys who would love them still...in my absence. But it would never be the same.

Yes. To my surgeons what lies ahead for me is a routine procedure. Something they likely do weekly if not more often. The battle today is in my mind and with the enemy who would love to hold me in this place. 6-8 hour surgery. There could be complications.  There are parts of it more complex because of a bleeding disorder I have. Things go wrong....sometimes. Right?

He has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and self control. 2 Tim 1:7. It is not God causing or allowing my fear....
But the fear is real. And sometimes...crippling.

I haven't slept well in days. I pray sleep comes tonight and tomorrow renewed perspective and courage.

Until next time....

The Dark Places: Take two.

I met with my surgeon this week.

Jamie Wagner has the look of an angel. Blonde hair, blue eyes, super cute. But, like my oncologist, Dr. Khan, she has a seriousness about her. I feel safe under her care and know that the disease has one more fierce opponent in her.

I've been well educated throughout this process. At every turn, KU faculty have gone above and beyond to ensure I understand the behavior of the disease and the reasons for each component of my treatment plan. So when I saw Dr. Wagner, I didn't have many questions. But instead, I felt lost. And I feel lost even as I write this.
Though I've known that this was coming for months, the reality of this surgery being 3 weeks away has me feeling scared and sad.

There is nothing spectacular about me in reality. Jesus thinks I'm pretty awesome and loves me so much He died to save me ....But, by the worlds standards, I am unremarkable.  I do my best to have a positive impact on those around me. Sometimes I fall short. I try to be a good mother to my boys. Sometimes I fall short. My job is a big one like so many others who choose to work in service of young people and their families.. I feel honored to be able to do what I do and to serve on such an amazing team. But really...when it boils down to it...I'm just a typical girl.

And today, even though my hair was lost months ago, my fingernails are falling off (I know!!! ....so gross!) and the scars caused by this process continue to mount, I am lost at the thought of another defining feature...being taken. So many women have walked in my shoes. So many have breathed in the shock and fear of this....and exhaled with the strength and resolve that comes...when you know you have no other real choice. So many of us. Yet....there are moments, like this one, when I feel so very alone...when I feel like the burden is just too great..too big...too painful... too scary..... and I decide there is no smile to be mustered. And the tears are unavoidable. And there is no desire to be strong.

"Skin sparing double mastectomy".
Good grief. Sounds terrifying, doesn't it?

Then I remember, that it's ok to be sad. It's ok to be scared. He has never expected me to be a pillar of strength through all of this. I feel compelled to be..but not because God requires it of me.

The Light....

I love how tucked into the corners of the dark places, if you want to see it, there is always light. Light that will not be covered or consumed by the darkness. Light that shines on the silver linings and blessings so easily forgotten during the pity parties. I love how He always finds a way to show me how blessed I am....even in the moments when I feel like I can't get any lower.

I ache at the thought of being unable to comfortably squeeze my kids when I see them post surgery. But then....I have been blessed beyond what can be measured with two bright, gorgeous boys who are healthy.

I hate the idea of being away from Sycamore post surgery. But then I think about the 60+ amazing educators and support staff who will keep doing their thing, teaching; facilitating 'light bulb' moments....watching those bundles of hope and potential realize a little more each day how truly brilliant they are. I have a colleague who is all in and prepared to stand in for me to support students and families. I have a supervisor and superintendent who have shown me nothing but support during this journey.

I do feel alone sometimes. But the truth is I'm not and never have been. I am surrounded by friends, family and colleagues who DO care; have offered support limitless times; are praying for me and the boys constantly.

I hate that I have Cancer and that there is no part of my life that has not been negatively impacted by it. There are moments when I see nothing but the dark places. But at my core, I know the light is always there. I wish my story didn't have a 'Breast Cancer' chapter. But it certainly isn't the title of my life's book.

The theme of this post....
https://youtu.be/PAmh3yvmzXs



Until next time...