Game On.
Friday (April 1st of all days) was the first of many "game days" for me and the team of medical professionals, family and friends who have all joined my team to fight this "thing" called cancer. It was the date of my first of 6 currently planned infusions of drugs designed to attack and kill the malignant cells hell bent on ending me. So, though I am not pleased with some of the side effects, I am a pretty big fan of my Taxotere, Carboplatin, Herceptin and Perjeta (TCHP).
I DO NOT ASK FOR HELP well AT ALL...
This is no doubt a part of what I am supposed to learn through this process. I am trying desperately to avail myself to the opportunities, but in truth, Infusion Day: the sitting for 6 hours while both poisonous and non-poisonous drugs are delivered to my body, doesn't sound like anything anyone would WANT to do!
Yet, I was humbled, as I have been many times through the early stages of this process, by the number of people who WOULD want to sit and stare at me, or Mike (see image below) my treatment nurse for 6 loooooonnngggg hours, if it meant that I didn't have to be.....alone.
What I am learning is that God will NOT waste a single moment of this process. He will not only grow me and my family into more of what He would have us be, but He is also providing opportunities for caring people to be the Hands and Feet of Jesus; to minister to those who are hurting, or just in need of a friend. I am trying to surrender the pride that nearly always prevents me from accepting help to make room for Him to be glorified by the selfless acts of those who are willing to be a source of help.
I'm trying.
Mike (short for Michaela but pronounced Mike-a-La) is amazing. She gave the low-down on each of the drugs (the first two were to prep my body for and prevent the inevitable wretching that days later would result from the last four: the"cocktail") and took the time to make me laugh....
It's a funny thing to watch someone dress as if they are going to clean up toxic waste....yet they are really just coming to your room, your bed, to give you that lovely, toxic mixture of hell and heaven; death and life; hatred and love. This is the mixture that, along with my prayers intertwined with the fervent prayers of those who love me and my boys, and my fierce desire to live a MUCH longer life than this disease would have me live, WILL heal me.
Flash forward 6 hours, 1 movie (Concussion with Wil Smith...a good one by the way), and 1 book (The Positive Dog by Jon Gordon....a good one by the way) and many laps around my approved walking track.....and not a tear shed. I can do this. I can handle this.
And then Mike comes in to do the "education " part of the chemo. And all of the stuff makes sense. I'm a fairly educated person, I know what this stuff might do to my body. And then she says it. Like several others before her. She reminds me that I am going to lose. My. Hair.
And once again, the tears well up and fall silently..... and I feel a mixture of sadness and shame. Sadness because I know I will lose something that I have come to know as one of my defining female features. Shame because I feel so shallow to be upset about it. And more tears come...all the while I'm willing them to stop. "Pull it together, Miller. It's just hair. It'll grow back".
After a minute, I do.....pull myself together. I take a deep breathe. And pulling the air into my lungs, I feel a little more like steel than I had a minute before. Unbreakable. Not because I want to be. But because....what other choice do I have?
I will NOT allow something made from this world to diminish the power of the God of the Universe who makes all things new, calls out Kings, and shuts the mouths of lions.
But it's gonna be hard. And I pray that this writing will serve to remind someone out there, that regardless of their struggle, they aren't, EVER alone.
Amber, you have always inspired and impressed me with your continued faith, and courage. Anyone who is lucky enough to call you a friend are there for you now and forever. You WILL survive this and be able to share your love and compassion to your family, your boys, and your family of friends. You can and will do this. Just call if you need anything.
ReplyDeleteAmber, I have just supported 2 of my college girlfriends thru breast cancer. One of them just hit the 1 year mark of treatment. The other is 2 years out from her last treatment. Both of these ladies took early retirement but have insurrance from their last employer(1 was a teacher) Luckily their insurances covered all of their medical, so even though neither of them is gainfully employed, this cancer did not harm them financially. Every treatment is different. My best friend from church in WI was diagnosed with a stage 4 cancer 2 years before we left WI. She had a whole year of different chemo treatments, then radiation, then a mastectomy. She is doing fine!!! Thankfully, there are at least 14 different protocals for treatment of breast cancer now. That is progress!! You, too will be strong enough to battle this demon. AND, unlike when my mother-in-law battled breast cancer, now women's cancer treatment centers offer free wigs, scarfs, etc. to still allow you to wow the world with color even if the day seems dark. I have seen my 2 college friends and my friend from WI all lose their hair (it turned out to be a very small thing for each of them in the big picture), watched their hair grow back, and had many laughs over the new hair and new hairstyles. This is a journey no one would choose, but the path ahead will be one that is humbling, sometimes easy, sometimes hard, and eye-opening to the everyday beautiful parts of God's creation. Wishing you well.
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