Lions and Tigers and Bears.....

Day 5 of 6 was the worst so far insofar as the physical symptoms hit early, hard and lasted longer than any of the other infusions to date. In fact, as I sit here....Game Day 6 (of 6) I am still taking daily medication and am wearing a trans-dermal patch to control the ongoing nausea and vomiting. So though my spirit was willing and the desire to write was there, my flesh was, needless to say, uncooperative.

Since I failed to write about Day 5, I CANNOT neglect the shout out to my Cancer Treatment nurse who was amazing.

Meet Jessica. She smiles a lot. She doesn't take herself too seriously and possesses a gentleness that seems to be a part of everything she says and does. Like her friends she was always asking me if I needed anything and made me feel as if I was the only person she needed to take care of that day (though we all know that's not true).

And of course.....
Marlena is yet another one of my dearest friends who took an entire day, during which she could have been doing any number of things, and spent it with me....sitting....watching the IV drugs be administered and the bubbles in my tubes be addressed...over and over again (it ALWAYS happens to me..no clue why.) We started our ISD adventure together years ago and though she has moved on to another school district, she remains one of those friends that no matter how long we are apart, we can always just pick right up where we left off. She is an amazing person and I am grateful to have her in my life.

My very dear friend, Angie joins me today for Game Day 6. She has a great laugh. Her default is to make laugh those who are crying but she is great at just crying with you. She is an amazing person, a dear friend and a true blessing.

Today is Game Day 6.
Dr. Khan prescribed 6 infusions.
I learned this morning during my oncology visit, I will have to come back every 3 weeks for a Herceptin infusion for a little while but since this is a targeted therapy (attacks the HER-2 proteins that are wacky and want to reproduce all cells rapidly but with me...that includes Cancer cells) it is not supposed to result in the negative physical symptoms that come with the Taxotere, Carboplatin and Perjeta.
So I am considering THIS day, TODAY as my 6th and FINAL Chemo Game Day.

Since transparency is kinda "my thing" I will confess that even up until this morning, I was contemplating exercising my patient right to refuse care and not come today. Knowing how I have felt for the past 3 weeks and knowing that the next 3 weeks could be even worse, I didn't want to come. I don't want to feel bad. I don't like throwing up. I don't want my gums to bleed, my skin to hurt, my eyes to constantly throb and water, or my hair to refuse to grow for another month.

I came in today with taste buds that work, with a moderate level of energy, and a smile.
I'm 3 bags in and my taste buds are gone and my body already feels different. Chemo sucks, everybody! I would not wish this experience on my worst enemy. However, I would never wish the alternative on anyone either. Chemotherapy is a means to the end we all desire: HEALTH; a chance at a long future with family, friends and loved ones.

The title of this post is one that most will recognize. I am learning that this journey is far from over. Chemo is the Lion. It is violent and extreme and unforgiving and unavoidable. Without it, I would have died from Breast Cancer. I wouldn't have a chance at being healthy or seeing my children grow up and start families of their own. Cancer would have won.

I am confident that it is not the will of God for my life for Cancer to win. He will use every moment of this experience to shape His daughter more into the person He wants me to be. There is not a tear or moment of fear or doubt that goes unseen by Him. He loves me at my best and at my worst. He knows me inside and out and cares about every detail of my life. He is a faithful, loving God and even in the midst of the pain and fear, if I am still and quiet...I can feel His arms around me and hear Him whispering life and truth to me; telling me that I am His and that He will never leave me.

Radiation
I won't know if radiation is warranted in my situation until after I have surgery. If so, I do plan to opt out. Dr. Khan is almost positive it won't be warranted. I have opted for a bilateral mastectomy and am pushing for immediate/same day reconstruction. There are certain criteria a patient has to meet to be a candidate for this and I don't know yet if I meet all of those but at minimum, reconstruction is something that I desire. I've met and heard of women who opt out of reconstruction and I confidently understand this position. There are women who endure chemo for a year! They endure months of daily radiation therapy.  It is traumatic and time consuming. It alters every single thing in your life, every thought in your head and every person your life touches. And for some, I can see how that would be enough. "I'm Cancer free, and I've been through enough. Reconstruction is just not a priority." I get it.
For me, reconstruction is on the agenda.

My Tigers = surgeries.
They will be acutely painful, require considerable healing time and leave unmistakable scars inside and out. My plastic surgeon is more than qualified and will do her best to minimize scarring on the outside. However, there is no way to avoid the pain, injury and scarring that occurs when you are forced to morph (albeit temporarily) from an independent to a fault, type A personality to one who is physically incapable of taking care of themselves or those around them. I'm apprehensive about the surgeries. But in a weird way, am kind of looking forward to a long, doctor ordered NAP that comes with each one. Yeah..I know it's weird.

The Bear.
Part of the reason that I have opted for a more aggressive surgery; a more comprehensive one, is because right now, the Bear is the voice in my head that makes me wonder how long I have to wait for the Cancer to return. Bears are patient. They wait. They follow you. They are deliberate and calculating. The wait for their moment to strike and when they do, they win. My genetic panel showed absolutely NO deviant genes that would put me at risk for Breast Cancer or any other reproductive Cancer. SO...though that is a good thing, now my thoughts move to what I have done, eaten, NOT eaten, inhaled in my environment, etc. to put myself at risk for this. Without knowing, I don't know how to prevent it. That's concerning. Right? So though the Bear won't run my life, he will always be there.... Lingering. Waiting patiently.

To close this post and this chapter in my own Breast Cancer Survival Manual, I'm including the bell ringing ritual that is allowed each patient at the close of their last infusion. It was harder than I thought it would be but the tears were happy tears and the moment was shared with a group of women who have been kind and willing members of Team Miller for the past 18 weeks. You will need to copy and paste the below address into your browser to view it. I can't seem to get the link to take you there automatically. (sorry!)

https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B0YgRC-wQltFaFJ4bW1DMVl3aVU/view?usp=sharing

Until next time.....