Back again with another update.
Starting Monday of this week I started....well...to feel like I was about 90 years old. My bones hurt, I ached all over, it hurt to sit, stand, lay down. I originally assumed it was a new medication my oncologist had me taking. He'd mentioned a possible side effect being some bone pain. Tuesday, I could barely support my weight enough to push myself up from a seated position from the couch or a chair and the pain seemed to be concentrated on the left side of my body. By late Tuesday, the fever started. I called and was seen by a nurse in my surgeons office who basically told me that there could be infection brewing but to take Tylenol to control the fever and return the following day to see my surgeon. I stayed home and slept most of Wednesday, waking to take Tylenol to control the fever. Saw Dr. Holding at 3 pm. She examined my left side which by then was red and hot to the touch and she scheduled surgery for the following day.
Thursday, I went to work, tried to get a few things lined up and taken care of (though my Assistant Principal is more than capable...I MIGHT have a few lingering control issues and Type A tendencies), then I met my dear friend Jennifer for a ride to the hospital.
THE WORST PART OF THE DAY: My last meal was at about 9 pm Wednesday. My surgery was scheduled for 215 pm Thursday. There was a mild delay; some technical difficulties preventing proper charting in my file....and by 300 pm, I had informed all that it was time to put me to sleep or feed me ;-) The procedure started quickly after that.
When I woke up, my left tissue expander had been removed, all of the built up infection had been removed, and compared to how I felt before the surgery began, I felt like a MILLION BUCKS. My range of motion on my left side and strength in my arm and hand was much improved, the aches and pains were completely gone. BEST SURGERY EVER! The scars are a little more interesting but, again, reconstruction and time will take care of them.
Today was a great day! No pain meds needed. I slept great and went into work feeling better than I had all week. It was awesome. And yet I knew that my appt at 3 with Dr. Kahn would be one during which my next steps would be determined. More chemo? Or no...move on to radiation and hormone suppression therapy now.
We looked at every lab and pathology report I have. We discussed the feedback from his highly respected colleagues. And in the end, I was going to be right, whatever I chose. They still weren't sure. The make up of the cancer still left in my body found during my first surgery spoke to the fact that the previous chemo course had NOT killed all of the HER-2 positive cancer. It should've. It didn't. HER-2 fed cancer grows rapidly, likes to break off and hide other places and come back..months...years later.
However, another school of thought was that the Herceptin infusions I would've received for a year (every 3 weeks) could likely address any HER-2 cells left. My hormone fed cancer cells will be addressed through the hormone suppression therapy regardless and typically doesn't respond well to chemo anyway.
I felt completely informed. I had no one telling me what to do. I really was lost for a moment. And then I thought of my children, and my sister, my church and school families.
Right now 'cancer treatment' is sort of our life. Should I allow our lives to become a little normal...only to repeat this whole thing again from start to finish...creating chaos again for my children and my families and friends..... I would always wonder if these next rounds of chemo could've made the difference for us. Long term.
So I cried with these doctors whom I have grown to love. And I let them know how much I hated to think about chemo again. But what I hated more was the thought that I couldn't live with myself if I deferred it and ended up leaving my children without a mother a few years from now based on that deferment. My oncologist, Dr. Kahn, cried with me and assured me that it was the right decision. The peace in my heart that I felt after making the decision told me he was right.
Dr. Kahn needs me to heal another 3 weeks from yesterday's surgery prior to attacking my immune system with chemo. October 7th is the date of my first infusion of this course. Adriamycin/Cytoxan. The Red Devil. It will likely make me sicker. My hair will disappear again. Etc. Etc. Etc.
There are other risks, but we discussed them today and they are small and do not outweigh the benefits of the treatment.
The next 3 weeks will be healing and figuring out if radiation will follow this.
I am still in the midst of the storm. At times it seems unrelenting. But I have peace. I am ready. I am hopeful. I am confident and feel good about my treatment plan moving forward. It's gonna suck. But I'm ready.
Joshua 1:9 Be strong and courageous for I will be with you wherever you go.
He has proven Himself over and over again. He has kept every promise. He is for me. So there is nothing of this world for me to fear. I'm human and I have allowed my fear to get the best of me at times. But in truth....that has always happened as I have lowered my eyes to this world and allowed my focus to be my struggles. When I keep my eyes on the One who has promised to see me through all of it.... there is nothing I can't do as He strengthens me. There is NOTHING like being the daughter of the King of the Universe.
Until next time....
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