Fear and Fire

This is "Fearless Girl". I've posted about this sculpture before. 

Look at her. 

Take it in. 

In front of her: what seems to the world to be an insurmountable obstacle; one hell bent on destroying her. 

Yet she doesn't just stand there. She makes a statement with her boldness. Hands on her hips. Head held high. Leaning...as if she may even be about to take a step TOWARD the bull. She leans in toward the danger. 

Fearless. 

I want to be fearless. 

I want to NOT be afraid of the what the world is offering. 

I want to NOT be afraid of the Cancer monster. 

I want to NOT be afraid of or succumb to the pain of a broken heart. 

And even as I speak the truth over myself and my children; the truth that I have not been given a spirit of fear, but one of power, love and self discipline (2 Timothy 1:7), I still fight a daily battle with fear. 

Faith over fear! 

YES but how? 

I meditate on the Word. I am digging into this love letter from my Savior to me with all my might these days. And yet I still feel myself cower... shrink in response to the pain, the worry...the fear. 

My eyes are perpetually swollen from the tears. My head hurts constantly. When my boys aren't around, I feel like my most important task...is to just keep breathing. Just take a breath, Amber. Let it out. Then another.          Simple goals.        When they ARE with me: breathing and pretending like I've got it all completely held together. 

I am a Jesus lover. I love Him because He's worthy. Even if He never did anything ever again to help me, provide for me, heal me, He would STILL be worthy of my love and devotion. And I know He could take this fear of mine. Because He can do anything. But I also know that He uses the battles I fight, regardless of what they are... to teach me. 

Don't we do this for our own children? I save my boys from struggle...but  not all the time. Sometimes, I realize that they need to endure. I allow them to struggle knowing that the pain of that struggle will grow them; make them stronger; develop them into stronger young men. And when they cry out, I don't always rescue them. Sometimes I lean in close, hold them for a moment and whisper what they know to be true...."I'm here my love. And I will always be. But you can do this". 

 Meet Bonfire (Bonnie). Her litter was named with Fire being the theme. (ex. Camp Fire, Bonfire, etc.) She is the newest member of the Miller family. 

I had been considering getting another dog. And I love the idea of rescuing a dog from a shelter. But I was the one needing rescued this time. 

I knew she was supposed to be mine from the moment I spoke with her breeder. She is kind, loving and gentle, yet will defend her family with her life should anyone make the mistake of trying to hurt us. She and I have been a pair since we met. She follows me everywhere. She's always checking on me. If she strays further from me than she's comfortable with outside, she is quick to run back and touch me or walk with me for a second before continuing to explore the yard. 

I prayed that she would be willing to take on the crucial work of healing broken hearts and restoring a sense of security. 

She began her work immediately. 

Last night before bed, my oldest son hugs me and says "Mom, I know Bonnie would never bite us, but I already feel so safe with her around!" It was her first night with us. The same night that she hopped up in bed with me, and didn't budge. I know she got hot because I woke up to her panting at one point, but she wouldn't/didn't leave my side. 

She was meant for us, and us for her. I couldn't be more grateful for her presence in our lives. 

It's amazing how Jesus works. I AM crying out. Begging to be rescued. Praying for relief. 

He has not taken my struggle. He is clearly allowing me to grapple with the pain and fear for a purpose. But maybe Bonnie is His way of whispering to His daughter: "I'm here, my love. And will always be. But you can do this". 

Until next time.....