Silver Linings....

SOOOO.....

I sit here in the midst of Game Day #2. I am 4 bags in (see images), all facilitated by Judy (see image) my amazing Cancer Treatment nurse and I feel good today.

(Flushes the port, gives the Aloxi (anti nausea) something to go into my system with. Just cold. No reaction.)

Works in connection with the Herceptin to turn off the HER-2 (Human Epidermal Growth Factor Receptor 2) proteins that make my cancer cells reproduce super fast and 24/7. 

(This and the Perjeta work on the HER-2 proteins. They have also contributed to my hair loss and other nasty symptoms post infusion. BUT if they do their job, I'm cancer free...and the hair always grows back!)

                                                                 

(We'll call this one "Big Nasty" cause it's a heavy hitter of the group. All of my post chemo symptoms could possibly be attributed to this wonderfully terrifying drug. Wonderful only because my cancer cells are terrified too! Belly swelling, face swelling, fatigue, nail and skin changes...the list is interminable.) 

(Judy is efficient and kind. She works quickly but never seems rushed and is always willing to answer my questions or just sit and talk. Another good one!)                                                                

My fears going into today include:
1. I don't feel a hundred percent. Some lingering stomach and skin issues that were not fully resolved prior to today's treatment. With that, I am a little concerned that this treatment will only take me lower than the first one did since I am not working with as much of a "whole me".

2. My labs (they run a complete panel each time before treatment) were low. Not low enough to hold on today's treatment and still considered a "normal" response to chemo but again, it worries me a little that when I have less I am working with this time in terms of strengths, what will this treatment do to me? I could easily see how some see an increase in their negative responses to chemo with each passing treatment. Not an awesome prospect...but a part of the game. And I'm here to play.


But the title of this post is "Silver Linings..." because there have been so many during this process and if I don't write them down, I am certain to explode. This blog is serving to be something so therapeutic for me in ways I can't describe. I will share the lows that the Lord is working me through, but it's equally, if not more important for me to share the blessings that have been revealed to me in subtle and not so subtle ways. Even as I sit here and know what this poison is doing to me, there are tears to be shed not for the pain for the unbelievable ways that my heart and soul have been touched by those around me as my family and I take one day at a time, counting down the days until we can celebrate that "Cancer Free" announcement from Dr. Khan and join a growing group of cancer survivors!! I. Can. Not. Wait. For that day!

The Silver Linings title is one that will repeat as I fully expect to be amazed daily (as I have been) by the kindness of others around me. But this will serve as a start of the Gratitude Journal part of this blog:

The hair is gone. And I do miss it. I don't like it when adults stare. I wish they would just talk to me.
Ask me. Smile. Don't avoid eye contact. Please.

(Just a reminder that I DID have hair! This picture was actually taken by one of my 1st graders at our 1st grade music program. I was already losing a LOT of it in the back and on the sides. That Friday, I took it all off. The handfuls coming out in the shower were just...too much.)

But the kids are amazing. About the hair. About the hats. The missed days of school.
One of my perfectly adorable 1st graders came up to me yesterday around dismissal and hugged my neck so tight. She told me how beautiful I looked and then just asked me!! "How come you got the Cancer Ms. Miller?" "I wish I knew sweet girl, but you keep giving me hugs like that, and combined with some great doctors, I am certain I will be well soon!!" (Silver Lining)

There is nothing better than seeing the capacity for kindness and empathy in the life of a young person who is currently DESIGNED by God to be pretty egocentric. What unselfish and loving acts I have experienced from so many of the wonderful students at Sycamore Hills. They are truly an amazing group of young people that I feel blessed to know, daily. And even on their worst days (we all have them), I would show up every day, to be a face of love, support and high expectations for them. My only concern is that some don't understand how worthy they truly are of that love and support. I hope by the end of their tenure at Sycamore, they can rest somewhere in that fact.

The staff with which I get to serve students and families at Sycamore Hills......
I can't adequately describe the love and compassion that oozes from their every pore. Amazing people. Kind people. Over achievers at their core. People who love and work with reckless abandon. Jesus, who knows the end from the beginning, knew what He was doing when He placed me there.
                                                    

My sister, Michelle, the only friend I have known for the whole of my life; my surrogate mother of sorts when Mom couldn't be there for me as a young girl. A sounding board; source of accountability; source of hope and strength; source of a healthy mixture of optimism and realism. Asking for help is not my strength while providing help IS HERS. We struggle at times to come together in meeting both of our needs but she is working SO very hard to see past her own desires to help to meet me where I am. She is just...love. She loves me. She loves me at my worst....and we know our siblings...see the worst of us. She's my biggest fan. And there's just nothing like having a big sister cheering you on from where ever you let her stand in the stadium. Nothing like it anywhere.

(Michelle and I..with hair, this past Christmas)

Logan Christopher and Landen Christopher Miller. Both of my children are fierce in different ways. They are wonderfully unique and challenging. They are creative and kind. Both of them searching not only to find out who they really are and want to be but also who they "should be" according to this NEW reality in which we live. They love with intensity. They laugh hard and cry hard. And they are the joys of my life. My heart, walking around in two parts on the outside of my body. And I can't properly articulate my love for them.

My current challenges are mixed. To relieve them of the pressure to "perform" for me or make my life easier, yet use this experience to help them better understand that there will always be others around us suffering and that Jesus would have us find ways to look beyond ourselves to help when we can. I really DON'T know what I'm doing. But I know that my job as a mom was complicated BEFORE this diagnosis. And now, the doubts we all have about our parenting decisions are magnified to a degree I never really thought possible. But it's part of the game...and I came to play. 

My friends and family (family family and church family) have been an amazing source of support. And because I didn't ask for permission before finishing this post, I won't post individual pictures or names. But I WANT TO!!! I want everyone to see their faces and know the courage and hope and encouragement all of them have offered and continue to offer me on a daily basis. Some of them with mighty struggles going on of their own. BIG ROCK struggles. LIFE ALTERING struggles. Yet they all, have taken their eyes off of their own struggles to minister to me and my children. There are no real words to describe my gratitude.

The Silver Linings offered in this post are "game changers". I may be the shot caller. But when you have people of faith and consequence who walk into your life and TELL YOU they WILL be there, in whatever capacity you need them to be and knowing that accepting that support may be the biggest struggle you face....there is a shift in the game that is undeniable. I would be stupid or blind not to see it. They are people sent by a God who loves me (and THEM) enough to draw us together to do life together...according to His design. HOLY COW! God is so good! And I am so very grateful!