Post surgery. Random Thoughts.

I love this image. 

On the days when I really actually FEEL fierce; a force to be reckoned with; a "Cancer has no shot at winning with me" me.. ..this picture sits in agreement. It's  a visual representation of how I feel. 

Then on the days when I don't feel tough; I'm tired of fighting and crying; I am done being strong on the outside when my flesh just wants to fall apart; on those days, I find this picture inspiring. I look at it and want to live up to the strength and resolve I see. I want it to represent me.....and it helps me drag myself from the bottomless holes of self pity I find myself in at times. 

And this one. 

In the face of this experience; this "thing" with so many facets and extensions that all bring new and unwelcome information to consider...there are times when I'm not afraid. I don't know why those moments are different than others, but they do happen. I prefer those times (obviously) to those during which I am in a desperate fight for my life. It's not even Cancer I'm fighting in those moments, it's fear. But in those moments,  the image above is one that I have found a helpful reminder. Fear is real. It's legitimate and shouldn't be dismissed in anyone or by anyone. Yet we all have parts of our lives that light us up, motivate us, and move us forward..... and if we make the effort to see past the fear....even for just a moment, those parts of our lives; our faith,  our family, our friends, will keep us from staying stuck in that fear. Thank you, Jesus. I may feel fear at times, but you created me to be: 

Fearless

2 Tim 1:7

See above, my adorable, 4 inch heel wearing, rock star plastic surgeon, Dr. Julie Holding. She rocks a nose ring and Board Certification.  She can be quiet, and will let me cry if I need to. But mostly she just comes in with a smile and then gets down to business. I know that she would let me be "the boss" .... but I also know that if I let her do what she does best,  I won't be disappointed in the outcome. I like her. A lot. 

August 23, 2016 

I checked in to KU for a bilateral,  skin sparing mastectomy, sentinel node biopsy with possible axillary dissection and tissue expander placement. Dr. Wagner performed the mastectomy and node biopsy. Dr. Holding took over from there and handled the rest. 

In layman's terms: my surgery involved the removal of all of my natural breast tissue, the biopsy of the lymph nodes which drained the cancerous component of that tissue. They performed this biopsy right then; in the operating room. Somehow, they performed a preliminary test that indicated the presence or absence of cancer within them. If the nodes tested positive for the presence of Cancer, then ALL lymph nodes that are found in the axillary (arm pit) region are removed. Lymphedma (I'll share about this later) becomes a much greater risk with the removal of all vs just a few lymph nodes. 

When they found Cancer in my lymph nodes, I was truly shocked. No one expected it. Radiologist, Oncologist, etc. So...it was a pretty big bummer. 

The conversations have already changed now. Discussions revolving around hysterectomies are new. They don't bother me other than the fact that it's another surgery.  Considering the possibility that breast cancer has now spread to other parts of my body. Praying against it....but preparing for anything. I have considered the idea of more chemo. Radiation. More surgeries. And right now, though all of those possibilities sound awful.....I'm not scared. Not today. Disappointed. A little discouraged. But not afraid.  What I know is that I will do whatever it takes to be around for my boys. Truly. Whatever it takes. But I would love to be able to return to work and serve the staff and families I have been blessed to serve up to now. I would love to be able to say those two coveted words ("CANCER FREE"!!!) sooner vs later. 

For all of that to happen,  I continue to covet your prayers. So many of you have asked what you can do, how you can help. In truth, your prayers are so valuable! Pray for the doctors treating me. Pray for children who are enduring what no child should ever have to. And selfishly, I ask you to pray for me. God's will will be done......but His word is clear that "the prayers of the righteous are effective and produce great results! " (James 5:16)

And if you are a believer....YOU ARE RIGHTEOUS! Because He sees you through the blood of His son who died to save you. You are God's righteousness! Your prayers move the things of Heaven. And even if you don't pray for us, pray for your children, your family! Bombard Heaven with the needs of those around you. I am telling you..... miracles are possible! 

Until next time.....