The Dark Places: Take Three

The most recent piece to this ever changing puzzle that I am trying to wrap my brain around is the fact that side effects from chemotherapy can present themselves immediately or anywhere from 9 to 12 months AFTER the infusions have stopped.

Early this week, my bones and joints started to ache...it seemed a similar feeling to what was occurring just prior to my need for surgery on my left side. I was worried initially that it was a sign of another infection. However, there has been no fever. No other symptoms. Several of my medications were halted knowing that chemo is starting again on the 7th so there are no medications, it seems, which should be causing this new reaction.

Joint pain/swelling is apparently a common side effect of Taxotere (the heavy hitter of my previous chemo cocktail). The last time I received Taxotere was July 15th. Yesterday and today, walking is difficult. My knees are buckling beneath me. There is no medication to effectively relieve the pain.

To allow for faster healing and to reduce risk of injury post surgery, I was directed to not lift anything over 10 pounds or get my heart rate up beyond what might occur during a walk, etc. Right now, my knees are throbbing and, though they seem to look "normal", they feel so swollen from the inside, that I can't bend at the knee. The pain is bad enough at full extension that that movement isn't possible either. So even if I wanted to operate against my doctor's wishes, I can't effectively move to do so!

Walking is painful. Sitting is painful. Standing is painful. Yesterday, trying to walk on the uneven grassy areas of the soccer fields to Landen's game, it was all I could do not to cry. But I can't cry. And I don't. Not in front of them, and rarely in front of others.

Yet tonight, I can't seem to stop.... I hate this. Every moment of it. I hate what it has done to me. The stress it has put on my children and family. The strain it has placed on my job and those I love and do my best to support there.

And the chemo starts again in two weeks. Six weeks of hard core, high grade, not messin' around chemo. Then 6 weeks of daily radiation therapy. Then reconstruction. Then a lifetime of follow ups and hormone suppression therapies and battling lymphedema. It will never be over. And yet I tell myself, I will live through this. My prognosis for a full recovery is still good and there are so many who can't say that. And I try to stay there...in that place of gratitude. I try to live there, most of the time. I try so very hard.

But I'm human and the darkness still exists.

Even in the midst of the Dark Places, I love a good God and I know He loves me. And I know He is a BIG God, a strong and powerful God who can handle my pain and anger. And tonight I am in pain. And I'm tired. And I am angry.

This morning I was limping around my bedroom and bathroom trying to shower and get ready for the day. This song came on and at one point I found myself screaming through tears at the top of my lungs. No words. Just the screams of a girl to her Father, begging to be spared any more of this.

I want to understand this! Yet at the same time I know it's not my place to understand everything all the time.

I know He knows the end from the beginning. I pray that even at my weakest moments, somehow, my story will allow another to feel strength that may come in knowing that someone else has been in her shoes....screaming for relief....praying for peace..... Tonight I can only think that there must be purpose in this experience.
There has to be.
No.
There is.
That is the only way I will look at it.

Re-reading this post, I am rambling. Please forgive me. Closing tonight with a prayer. Should you have someone in your life fighting a battle of any kind, feel free to use the prayer below if you'd like, personalize it to them (or yourself) and seek the One who can meet every need.

Father God, I love you. You are an amazing Father who has never failed me. You bless my life consistently with more than I deserve. You are my Provider, my Healer, my Savior and my Comforter. Regardless of my outward circumstances, God, You are WORTHY to be praised! In the midst of my pain, You are still worthy! But I bring needs in addition to my praise before You tonight. My body and soul cry out to You for relief. Rescue your daughter, Father. Please rescue me and those like me who bear this burden alongside me tonight. But if not God, come close to us. Surround us with Your presence even now as I type these words. Bring the peace that comes with Your spirit. Please, Jesus. We need you.

Until next time...