Battles and being Bulletproof

It's been some time since my last post.

New battles to fight once in a while; some related to the disease, some collateral damage from the treatment, some just finding out who I am again.

My first fat grafting procedure has come and gone. For those who aren't breast cancer treatment and reconstruction scholars, fat grafting is essentially harvesting fat from other parts of the body, "washing" it and using it to create what may be missing. The procedure can be employed to address scarring on any part of the body, breast reconstruction, etc.

Dr. Holding told me I would leave the hospital feeling like I'd been beaten with a baseball bat.

She was right. It was, by far, the most painful recovery from any surgery thus far. And the bruising... holy cow. I have pictures (thousands thus far) but they are pretty awful looking. As always, email or message me and I'd be happy to share them if you are fighting the fight, choosing from reconstruction options, etc.  I had some pretty intense pain for about 2 days after I went home but once I was up and moving around, it faded quickly. I've determined at this point, my body recovers rapidly and my tolerance for pain is pretty high. I initially felt compelled to take the "standard" recovery time indicated by my doctors. However, a lesson I quickly learned about myself is that sitting around "healing" only sent me spinning into a depression that I didn't understand. When I felt well enough to be serving others at school- that's where I needed to be. I had fat grafting done on a Thursday and was back at school on Monday.

My next procedure is at the end of October. I'm looking forward to it as it gets me one step closer to being "done". Like a pie or turkey I suppose. 😂

The most recent physical battle started one day out of nowhere. No notice, no warning. Pain in my chest, difficulty taking a deep breath, sleeping was near impossible. I called my oncologist who asked to see me. After my second appt trying to figure it out, he sent me for a CT. I knew in my heart it wasn't Cancer. Something felt "broken" or "torn" or something. The CT was essentially to rule out the presence of Cancer but it would also examine all structures in my chest. Sure enough: displaced fracture of rib number 2. Most of you know that there is no good treatment for broken ribs. The rib I had broken is far up into my chest and a result of weakened bones; the effect radiation has had on my left side (bones, organs, skin, etc.). Doctor said I could've sneezed and broken it; broken it in my sleep even. Hmmm... ok. "Is there anything I can be doing or taking to strengthen my bones?" "No". Hmmmm....

What is a displaced fracture of rib 2?

That was several weeks ago and sleeping is still hard; still hurts to sneeze or cough and God help me if I get the hiccups!!! But it is getting a little better each day.

A less obvious mountain ahead of me is the one I have to climb slowly and carefully. On the other side is a life that feels like it's mine again. As of today, I feel more like myself then I have in 2 years. But I still have to fight for that feeling from the time I wake up until the time I fall asleep at night.

Someday I hope that the people I love reach a place of understanding what Cancer is and does to those who fight it; because they fight for their lives... and if they win, they then fight daily for a real life; one without fear; one with healthy boundaries instead of walls; one that is balanced; one that doesn't involve that thought that is constant in the back of my mind, "how long... before it comes back?".

But no one really seems to understand. I'm cancer free... so I should be whole, back to the old me, thrilled to be alive so spending every moment in church or ministry, spending less time at work and pouring over relationships.

Maybe I'll get there. Maybe I won't.

But I know I have to win back parts of my life a little at a time. I want to be a good mom; a mom with energy; a mom who can schedule things because the appts are further apart now and don't involve the poison that both stole and gave life; a mom that can remember what my kids say to me for longer than 5 minutes. They are worthy of so much. And for a long time, I feel like I had so little to give. But they are why I endured the pure hell of chemotherapy.

Landen worries. A lot. He is routinely asking me how I feel. I cough and I can see a look of concern as he rushes to my side. I pray God gives him peace in his heart about my truly being well. Now, when he asks how I am I simply tell him the truth: I'm 10 feet tall, and bulletproof.

My job is one of a handful of reasons I did not withdraw into myself during treatment. I may have been less than who I wanted to be but the 500 little souls that I tried my best to serve well each day gave me a reason to get up, even when I felt awful. My teachers made me smile and loved on me like the amazing people they are.
I am starting to feel capable again; adequate; decent at my job. But I have a long way to go. And it's a daily fight... to reclaim my brain, my focus, my ability to multitask and be fully present in a conversation. But I'm getting there.

The body that exists under my clothes is quite another thing to get used to. It is a work I progress though and the second I feel myself getting used to it, it's time for another procedure. I am not bothered by the scars. There's a part of me that likes them as they remind me that the past two years haven't been a nightmare; they've been real. A real, true dealing with the devil himself. And the proof that I fought is in the scars. The proof that I won is alive with each beat of my heart. I am not afraid of death still. And had it not been for my children, I am sure now that I would have allowed Jesus to take me home. But there is still work to be done here for me. I will go when He tells me to but not a day before. In the meantime, I remain in the fight for a real life. And this one may take a bit more time. But like the battles of the past, I plan to win this one as well, one day at a time.

Current theme song HERE.

Until next time...