FEAR

"Those who fear the darkness have no idea what the light can do".

I don't know who said/wrote it. I just found it somewhere online. But it speaks to me now. I truly believe I am a lover of the light. But I have more and more moments of incapacitating fear lately that it is all I can do to breathe under the weight of it. I am not afraid of dying. I know that My King will take me immediately to a paradise indescribable or even comprehensible should that happen.
 I fear the darkness for my children should I be taken from here so soon. I fear the depth of grief they would feel losing their Mom at such young ages. Who will whisper to them in the pain they perceive to be so great after a fall....and immediately feel their breathing slow and their bodies relax?

"How come I just feel so much more calm when you're around?" he says...... "Because I'm your Mom and that's my superpower".

Who?? Who will see the fear in them and have the power only moms have to ease it??
I do my best to reflect their own light back to them, reflect the light of their Savior into their lives every chance I get. I know there are those who love my boys who would love them still...in my absence. But it would never be the same.

Yes. To my surgeons what lies ahead for me is a routine procedure. Something they likely do weekly if not more often. The battle today is in my mind and with the enemy who would love to hold me in this place. 6-8 hour surgery. There could be complications.  There are parts of it more complex because of a bleeding disorder I have. Things go wrong....sometimes. Right?

He has not given me a spirit of fear, but of power, love and self control. 2 Tim 1:7. It is not God causing or allowing my fear....
But the fear is real. And sometimes...crippling.

I haven't slept well in days. I pray sleep comes tonight and tomorrow renewed perspective and courage.

Until next time....